Happily Ever After
Hi everyone. We have all heard the story of “happily ever after.” The idea that once you find the right person, the hard work is over. But let’s be honest: that is a lie.
The truth is that couples who stay together are not “lucky,” and they are not perfect. They stay together because they understand one thing: love is a territory that you must protect. It is not a safe harbor where you just park your boat and relax. It is like a fire that you must protect from the wind, the rain, and sometimes, even from yourself. In psychology, healthy couples act like a “protection team.” But what are they protecting the relationship from?
The External Boundary
The first enemy is on the outside. The psychologist John Gottman talks about creating a “sacred boundary” around the couple. This simply means that your relationship comes first.
Practical example: Imagine you are at dinner with your family, and a relative starts criticizing how your partner manages work or money. Protecting your relationship means not joining in just to please your family. It means saying firmly: “We decided this together, and it works for us.” It also means not complaining about your partner’s flaws to your friends just to vent. When you defend your partner in public, you build a trust that makes your bond much stronger.
The Internal Mirror
Then, there is the hardest challenge: protecting the relationship from ourselves. Often, we are the ones who sabotage the bond.
Practical example: You come home exhausted from work. You are stressed, and the first thing you do is get angry over something small—like dirty dishes or a small delay. This is where Esther Perel’s idea comes in: love is a “work on yourself.” It means stopping for a second before you shout. It means realizing that you are actually angry at your boss, not your partner. Protecting the relationship means choosing not to use the person you love as a “punching bag” for your frustrations. It is the ability to say: “I’m sorry, I had a terrible day, I’m not angry with you.”
The Storm and the Choice
Finally, there is “bad luck.” The unexpected problems that life throws at us.
Practical example: A sickness, losing a job, or a personal loss. In those moments, a couple doesn’t survive just because they “feel” love. They survive because they have built a solid foundation. It is knowing that if the world falls apart, your partner will not run away. They will stay there to hold up the roof with you.
Erich Fromm said that love is not just a feeling; it is a decision and an act of will. It is like a plant: you cannot just look at it and hope it grows. You must water it, move it to the shade if the sun is too hot, and protect it from the cold. Because here is the truth: we are told that love will save us from loneliness and problems. But the reality is more poetic: love does not save you; you are the one who must save love, every single day.
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References and Bibliography
If you want to learn more about these ideas, here are the main books by the authors mentioned:
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John Gottman:
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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. This is his most famous book. It explains the concept of “boundaries” and the behaviors that make a relationship succeed or fail.
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Esther Perel:
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Mating in Captivity or The State of Affairs. Perel explores how love requires individual responsibility and the constant work of understanding our own emotions and desires.
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Erich Fromm:
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The Art of Loving. A classic book that argues love is not a “sensation” we fall into, but an “art” that requires discipline, concentration, and effort.
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